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Everything Is So Empty Now
Aug 28, 2002
My daugter died Feb. 8 2002 from injuries she sustained in a skiing accident. Jerrica was such a bright and loving child, as are all of the children that have been lost, I am sure, but I am finding that life just seems to happen now without her. Before she died we lived, all of us in this house. Since her death we exsist. From time to time I will catch a glimpse of my life as it passes me by, but it is ever eluding. I can't even begin to know how I will be as the years pass by. It has only been months and the emptiness is gut wrenching, and I would love to say that it is impossible to handle, but that's exactly my problem, death is so possible, and when it becomes a reality it is much like a cancer that can not be stunted or slowed or cured. It just stays and lingers in your life adding to every fear, and diminishing most of the dreams from your past. I can never again have a whole family around the Christmas tree, I can never answer the questions "How many children do you have?" without stuttering and getting a lump in my throat. I will never look at this world without knowing that all of the innocense and loveliness that it once held for me faded when I watched my 11 year old daughter's casket rest at the bottom of a vault lined grave. I admire the strength of the people who have lost children. I envy those who have found the silver lining. I just miss my Jerrica, and am a mother of two who can only hold one. It breaks my heart again everyday. I find that I hold on to the smallest of things now, and maybe that is a blessing. Maybe I am finally starting to see that life is full of tiny blessings. I had always only been thankful for the greatest gifts, my daughters, my husband, my entire family, ect. I now see sunsets and starlight. I watch for the slightest signs from heaven, be it blessing or burden. I am no longer arrogent in my thoughts regarding mortality, be it my own or anyone else's. Anyway, I have read about your sadness, and your pain, and I wish for you all the blessings that you can find.
Teri
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