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Why Did This Happen?
Jul 02, 2002
My first two pregnancies resulted in two precious boys.My next pregnancy was less than a year after my second son was born and came at a very diffuclt time in my life.Although it wasnt what I beleived in or wanted, I somehow convinced myself I couldnt ahve the child and followed through with the termination.I never told anyone and have been deeply ashamed ever since.When I found out I was expecting 5 years later I was happy.Although I couldnt stop thinking of my previous child who I denied I was fortunate to be blessed with another beautiful boy.Then my next preganncy ended almsot as soon as it started-in just 6 short weeks.I felt I was being punished perhaps for my past error-since i had never expereinced a loss before I just couldtn understand it.I was told it happens a lot and not to get discouraged.I became depressed but soon after knew I was pregnant again and became fearful.After my 10 week check up resulted in us hearing the heartbeat,I felt relieved,that everything would be just fine .I told family and friends-something I had been waiting to do because I was unsure if I would have another miscarriage.I looked forward to my next appointment so I could hear my precious babies heartbeat again.The weekend before my appointment was St Patricks Day.I made Corned Beef and HAsh(my first time) and a Lemon Meringue Pie(I craved Lemon stuff along with mexican food).A few days earlier I felt my babies first movement.I knew it was still early so knew it might be a while until the next one.The folowwing Tuesday I was so happy that my Dr appt had arrived.I dropped my youngest off at daycare and went to my appt.At the end of the appt The Dr went to hear the heartbeat and couldnt find it.She searched and searched,then I went into the room with the unltraound machine and she looked.She called in the other Dr who wa sbetter at the machine and she shook her head after looking-no-no hearbteat.I coudlnt nbelieve it-I didntknow what to do or think.What had happened-he was just alive-I felt him move-what could I have done??I was sent to the hospital and the Dr there did another ultrasound and confirmed my baby was no longer alive.I sat and cried,then went out to the car and called my husband and told him to come home the baby was dead.I went home and sat on the floor and cried while I waited for my husband and the Dr to call to tell me what to do next.My littlest child at the time sat with me and hugged me-kind of scared to see his mom so hysterical.I went to the hosptial a few hours later and was induced for labor at around 6pm.I loaded up with Demerol(my first time using pain killers inlabor-I fiugred nothing more could hurt)at around 3am the next morning I felt cramps and then my water broke.I felt the baby coming shortly after but it took about an hour for him to completely come out-it didtn really hurt I was still in disbelief.The bereavem,ent nurse had talked to me and told me to take pitcures,hold the baby and other things-I asked for feet prints.I didnt want the picture taken but they said it was policy because many people wanted it later,so I ende dup taking it home and still can barely look at him.I looked at him after delivery and he was so tiny(he wa 15 wks) and had his little figners and toes,nothingn looked abnormal to me not to the Dr.Two days later I realized I couldnt let the hosptial dispose of him and got him cremated and he sits here at home with us in his special urn.....I insisted on test feeling something had to be wrong-how could I have 3 boys and no my babies werent even making it far along.I was slightly postive for an autoimmune disorder.When I became pregnant again I was taking baby aspirin,heparin and went to see the OB every week throughout the pregnancy.every thing worrie dme and I called the DR many times and had many ultrasounds.Born 3 weeks early,I was blessed with another baby boy.I appreciate him and am still fearful of something happening to him.I can never forget my other children,especially my baby boy who made it with me for 15 wks.
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