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Julian, Aminah, and Raine
Dec 18, 2002
I lost three children in 2 years. The first one was a miscarraige, I was working full time & going to school full time. I had a very stressful job in which I had alot of problems with cvoworkers trying to set me up so that I could lose my job. I had just moved into a new apartment and was very stressed. I lost it after having an argument with someone and ended up taking the bus to the hospital. I was in the emergency room for 8 hrs. and walked home after losing it. I got no support from my boyfriend. He disappeared for a week. I felt the same way as when my father died. I got pregnant again and lost it in the shower after another argument. Nobody told me that I had to wait 3 months to heal. I was so heartbroken that I wanted to get pregnant again as soon as possible. I got through it but in 1999, I had an ectopic pregnancy. This was the worst experience of my life. I was in the hospital for 4 days and when I got out, I was in so much pain and very weak from the loss of blood. When I got home, my boyfriend was mad at me for some reason and we ended up arguing. I couldn't even stand and we're arguing. He acted like nothing happened and I was home for 4 months straight with no communication from anybody. I ended up calling people to tell them what happened but was recieved with indifference. It took me a year to heal completely and everyone in my family had something to say about my weight, the swelling of my stomach & how huge my breats were. Nobody seemed to comprehend that I was just pregnant. All they could see was fat. Nobody ever talked to me about it. I gave up talking to anyone about my 3 kids because alot of people asked how long I was pregnant , implying that because it was only in the first trimester, it didn't matter. My boyfriend at the time never said anything about them and treated me with indifference and hate. He started beating me 3 weeks after my operation. It was like a c-section incision and was very painful. He started cheating on me the whole time I was recuperating. All of this as I'm grieving my last child. Everybody acted like it never even happened and I felt like I was going crazy. All I ever wanted was my own family (I was a foster child) so this really hurt me. I still cry alot and even though I named them, it doesn't help. I plan on planting 3 trees in their memory hoping that that'll give me some peace. At the same time, I am terrified that it'll happen again (chances of another ectopic pregnancy are higher once you've had one.) I am torn between wanting to have children and the terror of losing another one. I think it will make me go over the edge and realy give up on my life's goals. I don't have anything to remember them by except the doctor's report from my first pregnancy and the hospital bill for the ectopic one.
I know that I need counseling but I am scared of bringing it all up again. I don't know what's worse, losing a child you never even seen or losing one that's already been here.
The names of my children are :
Julian Duraye Rennis
Aminah Tamar Rennis
Raine Juanita Rennis
I never knew the sexes but I felt like the first one was a boy & the last 2 were girls.
I wrote a poem for them. It is as follows:
Sometimes it seems so far away that I ever had a hold of you.
It doesn't take away from the love I still possess for you so true.
It's hard to go on and live and not think of you, wishing and hoping and praying that I could get a glimpse of you.
You're all I ever wanted, I hate with infinite passion and vehemently regret the situations that made it happen.
I look in children's faces for an inkling or a trace, wondering for a minute if that would be your face.
I would give everything I live for and everything I own to see what you would've looked like if you would've been born.
I hope your father loves you and thinks of you often, spends his quiet time thinking wondering and hopin'
That this grief would someday end and the anguish won't consume him. Taking over the both of us so love is what we're holdin' very deep in our souls for you.
Our love and wishes and agony so true.
Writing poetry and pursuing my life's goals, experiencing new things that I always wanted and traveling help me but some days it is real hard.
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