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Loss Takes Joy Away
Dec 02, 2002
It's difficult to know where to begin. I have a beautiful daughter and I wanted so much to give her a house full of brothers and sisters. I believe all pregnancies are miracles. I became pregnant in March, and I was so excited. I pulled out all my maternity clothes and books. I saw the heartbeat on the sonogram at 9 weeks. Everything was wonderful. On the very next appointment, there was no more heartbeat. I still remember the exact words the doctor used to tell me there was no baby. My husband was living in another state while he waited for his job to transfer him, and I was all alone. My doctor sent me for blood tests and decided to do a D&C. Because my insurance carrier started playing games, I had to wait 7 days to get it. It was such a horrible feeling, knowing there is a dead baby still in there and I just wanted to get it out. To make things worse, my husband's employer refused to give him a sick day and he was unable to be with me. After it was over, I just couldn't stop crying. I would scream and throw things and lose my mind. My husband had to restrain me. Eventualy it faded, and we decided to try again. It took three months. Before I even knew I was pregnant, I had this horrible abdominal pain that sent me to the ER (again, my husband's employer refused to give him a sick day so he could accompany me). I waited for 5 hours to be seen. When the doctor told me I was pregnant, I forgot all about the pain. But there was no excitement, like before. I didn't even make it to my first appointment. I started to bleed a week later. I was sent for more blood tests. The doctor called to tell me that again, there was not going to be a baby. Sometimes I feel guilty that I wasn't more upset about the second baby. Then I feel guilty for not feeling bad. How much sense does that make? Sometimes I still throw things and scream at people. Therapy and medication have helped a great deal. Lauren would be due this week, and I feel I'm losing her all over again.
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