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"YES, I AM A MOTHER", and "ANNIVERSARY"
Feb 16, 2002
After my first loss, a stillborn son in 1997, I began journal writing, as well as writing poems. Writing released my intense emotions as well as helped me on the road to "feeling better." Following are two of my poems.
YES, I AM A MOTHER (in memory of Ian Marcus Walter 9/11/97, written on Mother's Day 1998)
Yes, I am a Mother
Though some may not believe
My hopes and dreams were shattered
Suddenly my son died inside of me.
I did not volunteer
For my son to be born still
I don't know why it happened
Some day I wonder if I will.
To me my son was beautiful
Long fingers, Daddy's hair
My square nose, lips and chin
Flat feet, soft skin so fair.
We dreamed he'd be a lacrosse player
Daddy's favorite game
Now we search for miniature sticks
To set by Ian's grave.
I loved my son before I knew him
"A twinkle in his parents eyes"
I planned events for his life in detail
Hopes and dreams, away they fly.
I'll never be able to read Ian a story
Or help him ride a two-wheeled bike
No Sunday strolls, no birthday parties
No throwing snowballs or country hikes.
No school trips, no ant farm collections
No friends to listen in on the phone
No college diploma, no wedding bells
No "Happy Mother's Day" card
I feel so all alone.
Yes, I am a Mother
Though some may not believe
I loved my son before I knew him
Please don't take that away from me.
I mourn now even eight months later
I dearly love my son, many tears I shed
Please let me cry whenever I need to
Tears help me heal, accept and mend.
My broken heart will never heal fully
I'll miss my son each and every day
Certain things will remind me of him
I know I'll cry years later, when I'm old and gray.
Yes, I am a Mother!
Though some may not believe
I loved my son before I knew him
Please don't take that away from me.
POEM WRITTEN 9/11/98, Ian's one year anniversary
How silly if people think
"You should be over this by now"
Our first child, stillborn son
So wanted, so loved from the start
Unique on his own, special creation
Beautiful boy who stole our hearts.
How silly if people think
"Life goes on" just like before
Loneliness, sadness, forevermore.
Life does go on, in a different way
Our son will remain a part of us
Even after we're old and gray.
How silly if people think
"Time heals" the grieving soul
Time helps, yet leaves behind a hole.
We miss our son each and every day
We miss what "could have been"
Dreams ... suddenly swept away.
Ian, we miss you dearly
And love you more
You are a part of our family
And will live in our hearts
Until we see you again in Heaven.
Love, Mommy & Daddy
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