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Feeling Frustrated, Yet Hopeful
Sep 13, 2002
My story is of several losses at different points in my life. I will tell this in chronological order to make it a little easier to follow.
March of 1998, I found out I was pregnant (19 years old) from my somewhat abusive boyfriend. We had been having problems and for more than one reason, this was HORRIBLE timing. When we first found out I was pregnant, I told him that I didn't know WHAT we would do, but I could NOT terminate the pregnancy. As the next few weeks progressed, a decision to place the baby for adoption was made. We spoke with a potential adoptive couple and started those proceedings....all the while having the boyfriend tell me day and night how much I was ruining his life and how if I "really loved him" that I would NOT have this baby. His mom would tell me "It will just kill me to know that my grandchild is calling someone else grandma" as if knowing that s/he would be calling someone else mommy was a happy thought for me. I was merely doing the best I could. I made an appointment for an abortion for Saturday, April 18th. Each fight the boyfriend and I would have, I would threaten to cancel the appointment. It was a horrible few weeks. Finally, the dreaded day came. I went to the clinic, him by my side, like a zombie. I couldn't walk in. We got in a huge fight in the street over how selfish I was, etc In the end, I gave up my twins that horrible April day. It is an issue that just doesn't involve the grief of losing my child, but also the guilt knowing that ultimately, it was ME who allowed this to happen. And the anger for those involved.
This has all lead to some pretty intense feelings of guilt/depression/etc. It has been a long hard road. After an intentional overdose in October 2001, I found out I was pregnant again in December. While not in the BEST of situations, this baby was MUCH better received by myself and the new boyfriend. In some odd way, knowing that I needed to get my life together to be a mother was a great incentive. This child gave me a lot of hope. The pregnacy was rough.....a lot of unrelated illnesses....bronchitis, stomach flu, etc. But we were moving right along. Heartbeat was strong and consistent.....We had our ultrasound at 16 weeks and saw our little one jumping around, got all of the measurements to see that things were RIGHT ON TRACK . . . but just couldn't find out the little booger's sex. :) Shy, I guess. 2 weeks later, while in the Emergency room for breathing difficulties (I have asthma), they couldn't find our baby's heartbeat. An ultrasound showed no heartbeat and a still baby. They induced labor the next day, and after a 32 hour labor, I delivered our tiny, lifeless baby boy. At this point, I was CONVINCED that he was the MOST amazing thing I had EVER seen in my life. And still to this day, it angers me that he wasn't born healthy and alive. I know he is happy here he is, but I miss him SO much. In dealing with the loss of him, I have also dealt with the recurring guilt from my abortion 4 years prior. Was this some cruel way to show me what I gave up? Surely not.....life doesn't work that way, right?
Well, July, we found out we were pregnant again. I was due the same day that I delivered our baby in March. Things were all SO similar. I was so calm and peaceful and just KNEW that this baby was going to make it. That his/her big brother was watching over and that all would be well. Wrong again. At 12 weeks 3 days, we had an ultrasound to check on things. Well, no baby was to be seen. Merely an empty sac. My doctor said that my body would miscarry naturally and that it would be like a heavy cycle. I was prepared for that. A week later, I started hemhoraging (sp?) and ended up having an emergency d and c on Sept. 11th. They were able to take some of the tissue to test for genetics. We are crossing our fingers for good news as we got the last time....everything normal.
So now we're kind of back to square one of the wondering "why". Why us? Why my husband? He SURELY didn't do anything wrong!! I know that none of this is punishment. I KNOW that. I know that I have sought out forgiveness and just struggle with the part of forgiving myself. That's MY issue....nothing with God. And I know that. I'm feeling frustrated with our two outcomes but yet hopeful for our next. They say third time's a charm, right? So here's to a happy, healthy baby for us!!
Thanks to all of you for your support!!
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