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My Twins Left Too Soon
May 22, 2002
We were so thrilled to find out we were expecting twins during the 9th week ultrasound! We could not believe it and just cried and laughed at the same time.
Just last December I had a miscarriage in the first trimester and it was hard for me to let myself believe in this pregnancy. We the had another ultrasound at 13 weeks and they looked perfect. We finally let ourselves fall in love with them and start believing they would actually be coming. We had so many dreams for them.
Two weeks later though, I found out I was spotting. After a trip to the emergency room, I was diagnosed marginal previa. I noticed on eof the babies was much smaller, but they guaranteed there was nothing wrong. The bleeding continued and I got an appointment with an specialist. My fears were confirmed - it was Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrom. We were crushed but I thought there was still time to save them since I was only 16 weeks along.
We were told there was maybe hope for one of them, the bigger baby and we were sent to a whole day of tests, ultrasounds and examinations.
Well, we found out they were little boys - they were so active and looked so perfect (except for the fact the little one was much smaller).
The very advanced tests showed that the bigger baby boy's heart had developed a fatal condition and there was nothing we could do to repair it. As to the little boy, his skull was squiched and he also had a heart problem. He had a 1% chance of living if the bigger one died. On the other hand, my cervix was so short and I was losing so much blood, that it was clear I was in the process of miscarrying. The doctors told us that they had never see such a severe and rapid case of Twin to Twin Transfusion in all their years of experience.
We were offered the option to either let nature take its course or terminate the pregnancy. I could not imagine killing my babies even though they were dying. However, with my history of severe bleeding after child birth, my doctors told me it could be extremely dangerous if I started passing them. We then scheduled a termination for Friday, May 17th.
Well, Thurday while I was in the doctor's office to discuss the procedure, my water broke and my miscarriage started. I was admitted to the hospital immediately so they would watch for hermorrage.
My babies passed away the next morning. God was so good to have taken the painful weight of terminating the pregnancy ouselves from our shoulders. I feel that the water braking exactly when I was sitting in the doctors office shows the Lord's hand over us. I wonder what could have happened had I been somewhere else when the water broke.
We chose not to name the babies as they were not born in this world. Deep inside I feel they will continue living in heaven and they will receive names there. Sometimes I am not sure though - they were not actually born so I don't know what to think. I will always wonder what their fate was and it is very painful.
I cry everyday and it has been tough. It is just not fair - why did it have to happen again? And I was I blessed with twins just to have them taken away less than a month before they would have been able to survive outside my uterus?
We dream of a big family and now I wonder if I will ever be able to have more children.
I do not know what to say anymore - the pain is just too great.
Poliana
Joana - 06.02.98
Benjamin - 09.24.99
m/c - December 2001
Twin babies - passed away May 17th 2002
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