 |
 |
|
|
|
The Sadness is in "What If?"
Dec 02, 2002
I am 43 years old and have three beautiful grown children. My partner and I have been together for 4-1/2 years and I learned in September 2002 that I was pregnant. At first, I felt resentful because I was looking forward to "doing my own thing" finally after raising my children but then I began to embrace this new life. My partner was very supportive and encouraging. I can't express the feelings I felt when I saw the heartbeat for the first time and saw my growing child. Each time it is a thrill. My doctor told me that everything was going great and there should be no problems with this pregnancy in spite of my age. My belly started swelling and I had to buy "stretchy" pants to wear because my other clothes wouldn't fit. We began to contemplate names and secretly hoped it would be a little girl since my partner has two boys and one girl and I have two boys and a girl. I was taking my vitamins, walking, drinking plenty of water, doing everything I knew to do. On November 5, my 12 week anniversary, I began feeling a tugging on my left side like a muscle pull. I didn't think much of it but later, about 2:30am, my water broke and I began hemorraghing. My partner rushed me to the emergency room but it was too late. The doctor told me I had miscarried. I continued to bleed profusely and had to be rushed to the Cleveland Clinic for emergency D&C to stop the bleeding. Two weeks later, in the OB's office, I learned that blood tests had revealed a clotting problem three weeks earlier and had someone paid attention I could have been given blood thinners to prevent the miscarriage. Now I feel angry, cheated, and incredibly sad because my baby could still be growing inside me and we'll never know if we would have had the little girl we wanted. I had a miscarriage, 18 years ago, and I still feel the pain of losing my little boy, Micah Joel. I have so much sympathy for women who have multiple miscarriages and have yet to hold a baby in their arms. I am fortunate to have three wonderful children, a loving partner, and terrific step-children. I try to be brave but sometimes the grief can overwhelm you when you least expect it and all you can do is cry and get it out. I doubt we'll try again but the sadness is in not knowing "what if"?
|
|
|
|
