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I Can't Forgive Myself
Nov 30, 2002
6 months ago I received the worst news of my life: I was pregant. It wasn't planned and my partner and I couldn't keep it anyway, so an abortion was the only logical thing to do. In a way I could cope with that; doctors etc. were so matter-of-fact about it that it was hard not to follow their lead in their detatched approach.
Then I miscarried. At the time I felt only relief, as selfishly I didn't have to go through with an operation and the decision of losing the baby was taken away from me. It is only now that I'm finding it really difficult to cope with what happened.
I love my boyfriend so much and seeing him bottle things up is really upsetting. Neither of us are in denial; we've both tried facing up to what happened - that we would be spending this xmas with a lot of cravings and a big bump! But we can both only think and feel so far. I know this means that there is more greiving to come...I can't believe this pain only gets worse. I know I was going to have an abortion but I will always love my unborn child and never forgive myself for the want of destroying its life because it simply "wasn't time."
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