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I Can't Give Up Hope
Nov 18, 2002
I didn't expect to be able to get pregnant easily, since I've been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. So it felt like a miracle that I became pregnant without trying last February. We told our families and friends, and then two weeks later, I began spotting, and I miscarried the baby on March 1, 2002. The knowledge that you suddenly have to relinquish all of the hopes and dreams you had regarding your baby is surreal. How can you be pregnant one minute and not pregnant the next?
I found out that I was pregnant again a week ago. The fear of miscarrying again was palpable, and when I began spotting again, the fear was paralyzing. I kept searching the internet for reassurance that spotting can be normal, and didn't necessarily mean another miscarriage. But then on November 14, I miscarried again.
Part of my me is so angry, because I feel like I don't want much out of this life, but one thing I can't imagine is being without a child. I can't imagine not being able to be someone's mommy. My husband has been so wonderful and caring, but I feel so flawed, and so terrified to try again. Some doctors don't even do anything until you've had three miscarriages, and I can't fathom going through this again without some kind of intervention.
And yet even when I'm so angry, a little part of me won't let me give up hope, and part of me truly believes that God is the one who places the desires of our hearts in our hearts. I believe that He does this for a reason, and I do know that good things don't always come easily. All I know is that I can't give up hope, and I'm going to advocate for myself with my physician, and try to believe that someday we will have our sweet baby.
I wish you all the very best, and I pray for your dreams to be realized.
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