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Still Hopeful
Nov 14, 2002
I want to start by saying that this story is sent to you because I honestly feel that sharing my story will in some small way begin my trip to healing and feeling better within my heart. I hope that in some small way it may in turn provide some comfort to another experiencing a similar loss.
I do believe in a higher power that knows and has a plan for each of our individual future and know that things happen in ones life when they are meant to, not always when we want them too.
My fiance and I took close to twenty years to find each other. We have known each other since we were teenagers and over the years, have come to realize that the people we are meant to spend the rest of our lives with are in fact each other. That having been said, my story of loss begins there.
Early in August of this year we discoverd I was indeed pregnant. I cannot put in to words the rush of emotion I felt as I watched the result of a home pregnancy test develop before my very eyes. My soul mate and best friend and I were going to be parents. Instantly we were making phone calls telling friends and family that finally our lifelong dreams were coming true. We were finally blessed with the one thing both of us has wanted more than ever. A child of our very own.
Being 34, I had some concerns just because of my age. My physical health and the health history of my fiance is good with no known genetic problems. I made a doctor's appointment right away to calm and answer any questions that I had. I was told that because I had no know health issues and led a healthy and active lifestyle, I should have no problems carrying our child to term. All I was told was to listen to what my body told me and take it easy when I needed too. The estimated my due date for early April and told me I didn't need to come back in until around 16 weeks.
Well less than a week later, I began to bleed. I experienced no abdominal cramping or any symptoms to indicate that I was in fact losing our child. More than one woman that had already had children told me that in a lot of cases bleeding during the early stages was normal. I was off to the doctor again to try and get some answers and was told that I needed to wait a couple more days and come in and have blood drawn for an hcg test. One test Monday another test Wednesday, levels go up good news, levels go down bad news.
I have to say now that the waiting and anguishing was like nothing I ever care to experience again. My fiance and I spent so many nights in tears and frustration praying that everything was alright with our baby. At the same time we found out my brother and new wife were also expecting with an anticipated due date almost the same as ours. I am grateful beyond words for the love and patience that my future husband had given me. We talk often about this whole thing.
Two days later the call came from the doctor's office. Unfortunately they said the levels were decreasing rather rapidly and they could assume nothing other than miscarriage. The bottom dropped out of our world that day. Somehow I found the words to tell my baby's father. I cannot describe the emptiness that even now three months later, we still feel each and every day. The doctor had said that it is not uncommon for this to happen and that early stage miscarriage ususally indicates a problem that would not have allowed the baby to be carried to term or be born healthy.
I understand the medical indications. That to someone who wanted a child as desperately as we did does nothing to ease the pain of loss that we have felt. A lot of people will say that better for it to have happened now in the early stages than later when you as a mother become more attached. I don't believe that because for both of us we were mother and father to that child even at that early a time in the pregnancy. It does not matter when you miscarry your baby it is still your baby it does not matter what month you are in.
It is now exactly three months later since we lost our baby and slowly it gets a bit better each day. I can never repay my fiance for the support he has given for the both of us especially when he too has been dealing with his own grief. Together we have been able to begin the slow journey that is healing the hurt in our hearts. If I had any advice that I could give it would simply be to keep talking with each other. Do not close the doors on each other. Both of you are grieving and feel the loss. Now is the time you need to trust and love each other more than ever before. For us no matter how much time passes we will never forget that first child. The one that for whatever reason is not with us now but in some small way always will be.
Being in our mid thirties now we do have days where we become concerned about when it will be our time to yet again discover that we are pregnant. Until then we remain hopeful and trust that when it is our time, we will be blessed with the news of a healthy child that will be loved and cherished more than words can ever express.
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