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Angelica's Garden
Apr 22, 2002
In November of 2001 I found out I was pregnant with my seventh child. For the first time in my life I was not thrilled at first. I was terrified of having another, afterall my baby was only 10 months old and we were struggling financially. We would also need a larger van and I could not see how we would afford it. I was rather scared to say anything to my husband fearing his reaction so I kept it to myself until December. By the time I told him I had gotten used to the idea and was excited, he was shocked but didn't seem to be terribly upset about it. December went great and I was feeling very pregnant and looking forward to spending Christmas with my family in Florida. Our trip was wonderful and we arrived back home on January 1st. I was still feeling good, but three days later that changed. I woke up early the morning of January 4th and went to the bathroom as usual only to discover I was bleeding. I was nearly in tears at the sight and went to my husband shaking. A little later it had not stopped but it was also not extremely heavy and my Mom had told me to just watch it that things may be ok. A few more hours went by and I decided to call a nurse and all she said was "oh, well there's nothing you can do. Here's a number for a women's clinic." It didn't sound good to me so I didn't call and stuck it out. This went on all day, very light and no cramping. Then about 6:45 that evening I wasn't feeling well and went to lay down. At that moment I felt a pop and some cramping and ran to the bathroom where I passed the baby. There he or she was and I scooped this tiny little person, no bigger than the tip of my thumb, into my hands and sat on the edge of the tub and cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. I placed our baby in a little cardboard jewelry box and sat it in my room until I could go and find a special place to bury him or her. Never have I felt such agonizing pain. A couple of days later I buried our precious baby under a large oak tree on a hill in our back yard to get more closure. I tried to find a name that could be for either a girl or boy but my husband said he felt like the baby needed to be named Angelica and I was also feeling like the baby was a girl, so we named her Angelica Joelle. This made things even harder to deal with because I had been longing to have another baby girl. I have come a long way in three and a half months but I still have days that are very hard, especially now that her due date is quickly approaching. The Lord did turn this into a good thing, because He brought my husband back to Himself after long time of rebellion and a relationship with his sister started to be mended. For that I am truly thankful and full of joy, but there will always be this spot in my heart that is empty and I pray that the Lord will give us another gift someday. I have started a garden where I buried our baby that I call Angelica's garden. It's going to be beautiful when I'm done, just as I'm sure she is beatiful in the presense of our Lord.
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