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Feeling Like a Failure
Oct 31, 2002
This is the 2nd time that I have written something on this site. The first time, I didn't know what to say, but I was able to vent, and it helped so much. So, I am venting again. Today is Halloween. At first, I was looking forward to the trick-or-treaters, but now I am dreading it. I don't want to see the kids in their costumes, laughing and smiling, eating candy and getting cavities...It is so unfair. Why is it that so many women are blessed with a child, and I don't deserve one? What did I do wrong to deserve this pain? My beautiful baby boy Charles Tillman Watts III was born still at 22 weeks gestation when I went into preterm labor. I feel cheated, ripped off, and most of all, I feel like a failure. My body failed my son. I feel like it is my fault. My body took his chance at life. I am so overcome with guilt. What do I do? The holidays are never going to be easy, but I think this year is going to be the hardest. Christmas is right around the corner. I was due Jan 5th of 2003, and I would have been ready to pop around Christmas. I would daydream about me and my husband sitting by the tree, my belly popping out, and me looking "plump and jolly like Santa". What am I going to do now? My baby will never see a Christmas tree, he'll never dress up as Batman on Halloween, and he'll never celebrate a birthday. When I go to the store, I pass the baby stuff, and I wonder what toys he would have liked. Would he have liked hotwheel cars or baseball like his daddy? Would he have been popular in school? Some people say that he can be whatever I want him to be, like I can say "Oh, he would have liked this or that"....but I DON'T KNOW!!!! I don't know my son's likes and dislikes, his fears and dreams..... nothing. I know I am a mother, whether my child is here or not, but I don't feel like a mother. My husband and I are having such a hard time dealing with all of this, and sometimes, I don't think I can handle it. I just started a new job for the first time in almost a year the other day. I am doing overnight stocking at Kmart. I hate the job, but I needed the money. I got fired after only 3 days. I had to go to the hospital after the 2nd day, because I was in a lot of pain. I apparently overdid it by lifting things too heavy, and the doctor said I couldn't lift over 10 pounds, because my body still wasnt fully recovered. So....to sum it all up, because my body is a piece of junk, my son lost his life, I can't hold a job, and things are just getting harder and harder. I am going to close this now.
To my sweet, beautiful baby boy: I love you very much, and I am so sorry that I failed you. I wish that you were here with me physically, but you will always be in my heart. I'm sorry for all of the things that you will miss out on because of me. I know you are with God, and nothing can compare to that, but life on Earth isn't always half bad. You can't experience that, and I wish that you could. I know that when I die, I will finally get to hold you again. As God looks down on me everyday, please look over his shoulder. You will see how much your Daddy and I love you.
"The endless days in Heaven our cherub will wait, never to be forgotten." In memory of our baby boy, Charles Tillman Watts III
Shana Watts
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