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When Will the Sorrow End?
Sep 30, 2002
Is the sorrow and heartbreak ever going to end ??
I lost our baby just a month ago. I have really never experienced a more heartwrenching pain in my life. I have been coping with guilt feelings and sometimes hate. My husband is really trying to understand but it just ends up with a yelling match. We have been trying for 2 years. We finally decided that adoption is the way to go and basically gave up the idea of conceiving our own child. Well one day for some reason I didn't feel well at all. My husband begged me to test myself. My reaction was their is no way I am pregnant. Well two days later he cornered me into the bathroom and proceeded to tell me he thinks we need to test. Well I did and tossed the test at him, he immedialty turned with tears. And I just stood their stunned thinking my god, you have givin us our truly most loved gift.
We both sat in tears. Well a month went by and I was loving every bit of pregnancy. I went in for a ultrasound and they couldn't see a heartbeat, well everyone said don't be alarmed. That is normal up until usually the 12th week. So I relaxed and went on with my everyday duties. I received a phone call saying they want another ultrasound. I asked if everything is ok ?? They said nothing to worry about. When we went in, the Dr. stated the baby was dead. Needless to say my heart was shattered !!!!! I was so appauled to be presented with such terrible news. After the D&C I was numb for about a week or two and bringing myself out of a deep depression.
My brother just called me with news of he and his wife having a 2nd child. I sat for hours in the attic where all of our newborn stuff is packed away and cried. I can't help feeling that for some reason god is just putting me through this pain over again without healing.. I guess you can say I am very jealous at this time I want to tell them congratulations but I just can't help feeling so hurt. And I ask that terrible question over and over, why ????
Missy
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