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Where Are My Friends?
Jan 20, 2002
On oct 4th 2001 my father died he was 63 had a heart attack passed away in his sleep. I started to become depressed the bombings at the world trade center and his death overwhelmed me I went to my doctor and started on antidepressants. I was angry at my friends and my husbands side of our family because no one even acknowledged my dads passing not a card not even a phone call for 2 weeks my father in law called he said "my dad was dead what was there to do nothing" he is russian It was hard for me at that time I have 2 children girls 6 & 8.The antidepressants made me sick and I found myself completely exausted, I decided to stop working for awhile before the holidays in the begining of decemder I thought I must be late I could not remember my last period I could even remember if I had one since my dads death. After the girls left for school I took the test I couldnt believe it when it was positive I'm 40 we had been trying 5 years I had given up I was absolutely overjoyed my husband called everyone that night people were actually screaming on the phone. I can truly say it was the happiest time of my life. I was so glad to tell my mom she and I announced it at our family christmas party to over 30 people I can see their faces everyone so happy. I wanted to wait to tell my family because I knew it would be hard at christmas so my mom and I just kept it our secret. The very next day on christmas eve morning I got up early and started with the brown discharge my husband and I went in for an ultrasound and blood workup come back in two days everyone had words of encouragement my sister even my mother in law had some bleeding with their children. My mom even put me on a prayer line. I prayed to my dismay the bleeding continued by the end of christmas day it was bright red in the morning we went to the er and it was confirmed as we left the hospital my daughters were asking where was the baby why were we leaving it there
later that day I passed the tissue/baby I kept it I thought maybe the doctor might want to see it so I hid it in my purse Later I decided to keep it for myself and I hid it in the freezer nobody knows I want to bury it in the spring. Since tne miscarriage all the people that couldn't comfort me when my dad died have disappeared its been a month. I'm so angry and disappointed at them all many of whom I haven't even seen since my dad died and everyone lives no further than 20 miles from us. We have always been the ones for all the family gatherings and great parties in the summer. I'm back on antidepressants again. My mom is worried about me she thinks I should be in a hospital yesterday she came over with a thousand dollar computer I couldn't accept it I already have two she told me that that was what her dad did for her I asked her what she meant she wouldn't say. My mom is the pillar of strength she never cries even when my dad died she said how could she cry when my dad had recieved his rightous crown? I tried to tell her my grief was normal I was taking medicine with my hormones and stopping the antidepressants when I became pregnant and losing the baby dads death christmas day she said she lost the love of her life things could be worse for me. After she left I felt like a fool insignificant deeply ashamed my father in law called also that day I was teaching my girls how to sew after talking to one of my girls he spoke with me laughing that I was teaching them to become tailors I told him my husband was gone I would have him call him when he got back and hung up. I'm so mad I don't know what to do I don't have the energy to explain to them my oldest daughters grades have gone from 93% to 75%. I need to focus on her. I don't have any compassion to help anyone along and my mom has her own grief I don't know what to do or how to act. I'm doing my best.
any advice would be appreciated Barbara
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