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Grieving In Love and Peace
Sep 12, 2002
Since the first babydoll I ever received as a child, I have always known that I wanted to be a mommy. I would spend countless hours caring for them, checking on them during their "naps" and telling them how much I loved them. As a teen and young adult I craved the company of children. I enjoyed the humorous innocence, the way the saw the world as wonderous and the simple pleasure of seeing them laugh. In my career life, I chose to work with children and their families; families who abused, neglected and simply just couldn't care for their kids. I have found satisfaction in helping families overcome the limitations that keep them from seeing their children as the amazing gifts that they are. I dated a man for many, many years knowing that he was not "the one" but I clung so depsrately to the idea of marrying and having a housefull! I nearly married him too just so I could start MY family. Thankfully, I came to my senses, but by then I was nearly 30. Then I met the man of my dreams and it all made sense...I wanted a child from love into love, raised by love. We married last year and tried to start our family this spring. We were surprised when it happenned very quickly. The morning sickness (though it lasted all day) was like heaven to me. I loved the shape of my swollen breast and painful tingle I felt when the cat brushed by them or the shower hit them. To me this was all just a sign of God's miracle growing inside of me. It was blissful. I tried to think positive when my levels were coming back low and slow. I even ignored the nagging pain in my side that I felt almost from the beginning. I did not even lose my mind when the spotting started at 6 weeks. Instead, I held on to the assumption that God would not let me lose this child after all I had done for other people's children. I see my ignorance now but do not regret for one single moment that I had hope.
On the first ultra sound, we saw Meghan's heart beating away. I was bleeding by then. We hoped still. By the second ultra sound, her heart was still beating but she was giving up the fight, and sadly so were we. Still, as I bled heavier, I hoped. I looked for miracle statistics on the Internet and I found them. Mostly I prayed, but not for Him to spare my darling's life, but that He spare her from pain/suffering. I prayed for peace and fortitude and He delivered immediately. Nature had other things in mind and I continued to bleed over a long weekend. Tuesday, at our third ultra sound, our precious Meghan floated away. I knew before we even met with the doctor. I knew and I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. Instead I cried the truest tears of sorrow I have ever known. In the weeks that followed, through surgery, pain and the task of returing to my normal life, I was at peace. I cried, but mostly I wanted to talk about her. I found that God had blessed me with all that I had asked for,both before my pregnancy and during her impending loss. When I could talk no more I grieved from a place that was previously unknown to me. Who ever knew that you could physically feel your heart breaking? It was heavy and it was exhausting. We later learned that our precious one was a girl....."normal female karotype" they called it. And then I had to grieve the loss of my daughter, not just a nameless, faceless baby.
Well, I grieved her in pure love and in surprising peace. I loved her and I appreciated God's message to me through her life, no matter how intangible or how incomplete. She will have siblings to follow and I may well have heart break again. But I will have no regrets. I will have known first hand how it feels to be a mother, to have God's wonderous love breathed inside of me no matter how and when it ends. That has to count for something.
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