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Waiting To Meet Our Angel
Jan 14, 2002
Hector and I met when we were 18. Engaged at 24, married at 26. Our original plan was not to think about kids until we were in a house. We wanted to be settled.
Then I turned 31. I began to get scared. What if we had a hard time conceiving? Do I want to wait another 2 years or so until we were in a house? Then I would be 33, if we had problems I could be 35 or older before we conceived.
We decided on my 31st birthday to start ttc in January of 2002. Then my feelings changed again. Why wait? Hector and I decided to start trying right away. I went to the dr. in August, went off the pill, waited to see if I got a normal cycle. By the end of September we were officially trying.
We had no luck the first month. In my head I knew it wasn’t going to happen the first time but my heart was hopeful. So we tried again.
The week of Thanksgiving was when I noticed the symptoms of pregnancy starting. I was scatterbrained, on Thanksgiving I was dropping everything, and I was so tired. I took a pregnancy test the day after Thanksgiving but it came back negative. If I wasn’t pregnant, what was wrong with me?
Four days later, AF had still not arrived. So we took another test. This time the positive lines showed up immediately. I waited the three minutes and they were still there. We were shocked. I couldn’t believe we had conceived in two months!
The timing was perfect. We would surprise our families for Christmas! They didn’t even know we were trying. We wanted them to be totally surprised! It would be the best Christmas gift they would ever get. (It would be my parent’s first grandchild!)
My first dr’s appointment would be on the 5th of December. On the 3rd I starting getting severe pains in my abdomen. They woke me up in the middle of the night. I thought maybe I had to go to the bathroom. I was straining so hard, I popped a blood vessel in my eye. I went back to bed and Hector held my belly until I fell asleep.
I woke the next morning. There was no blood, so I figured everything was ok. Went to the dr on the 5th. I told her about the pains, but she said they were probably nothing. They took my blood and we talked about any family history problems. I would have to go for a fetal echocardiogram around 22 weeks because my brother died at 10 days old due to a hole in his heart. Other than that, she saw no other tests needed.
My father-in-law had been up from Puerto Rico and was staying with us. It was so hard not to tell him. On the 9th, we were taking him around to say his good-byes when the pains started again. At first I thought they were because I hadn’t eaten. By the time we got home, they were so bad. I went to the bathroom and saw the blood. Tears immediately started to sting my eyes.
I ran to the bedroom and called the dr’s emergency number. I waited for him to call back. Hector came in to see what was wrong, he waited with me until the dr called. The dr told me it was common to have some bleeding. Relax and wait until morning and call the office for a sonogram.
I tried but the blood got heavier and heavier. I knew it was not normal but when I called the dr again he told me to wait until morning.
The next morning I went for two emergency sonograms. After the first one I knew my baby was gone. No one would tell me anything. I went to my dr’s office immediately after.
There they told me I had lost the baby. My whole world seemed to collapse. WHY????
They told me it was common, I could try again after the first cycle, at least I can conceive a child. Go home rest, you will be ok.
Would I? My husband was wonderful. He held me and we cried together. He has been there for me throughout this whole ordeal.
The guilt came the day after I lost the baby. Did I lift things I shouldn’t have? Did I not eat right? Did I push too hard when I thought I had to go to the bathroom? Was it because I was so scared at first when I saw the positive results?
Telling our parents was hard. Our families and friends have been so supportive. I am very grateful.
We made it through the holidays. Sad and somber but we made it through together.
I still have days when I feel like collapsing and screaming at God. I still have days where I feel so alone. I know this is normal. It is my new “normal.”
We are going to start trying to conceive this month. I am so scared. The innocence of being pregnant is gone. I hope and pray that God will bless us with a healthy baby to hold someday soon.
Not the a new baby will make me forget about our “Angel.” I wear an angel pendant in remembrance. Hector bought it for me for Christmas.
God will hold and protect our Angel until we are able to. Rest in peace Angel. Daddy and I love you and are looking forward to meeting you someday.
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