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I Will Always Be Cole's Mommy!
Dec 07, 2002
This was my first pregnancy. My husband and I were so excited about being pregnant and starting a family of our own. At 10 weeks we bought a BeBe Sounds monitor to help us hear our baby's heartbeat! We were a bit too anxious to hear him in the womb but listened everynight even though the doctor said it wouldn't work until the 5th month. We didnt care we had faith that we would hear something. Earlier in the pregnancy we decided not to find out what the sex of our baby was because we wanted it to be a surprise. After our 20 week apt. we changed our minds and decided to find out what the sex was. I had a normal pregnancy, no complications, no morning sickness, nothing. At 21 weeks I finally began to feel him move inside of me. I was really enjoying this feeling. I would lie as still as could be just to feel him move around in me. It was so precious, I actually had something growing inside of me. At 22 weeks we found out we were having a baby boy. We decided to name him Cole Dawson. We both loved this name so much and were so excited about having a boy. We went and bought some clothes and showed everyone in the family the ultrasound pictures. We even framed them and sat them on the table next to our bed. Silly, I know but that was our baby and we were proud! At 23 weeks I began having pains in my lower chest and severe headaches. I thought the pain I was having was normal for pregnancies. I had never had indigestion before but that is what I thought it was. It got so bad that I called my OBGYN and he thought I might have had pneumonia or a virus but sent me to the hospital to be sure. In the ER they treated me for Indigestion but my pain didnt let up so they ran some tests. This was at 10 in the morning and I wasnt too alarmed by all of this. By noon they were telling me that I had Preeclampsia and that I would most likely deliver within the next 3 days. Everything from this point on went by so quickly. It's almost a blur! At 5 that evening they were monitoring the baby and giving me steroid shots to develop my baby's lungs because he was coming, and way too soon! At 9:30pm my doctor came into my room and said that my platelet count was very low and that my liver and kidneys were shutting down. At this point they thought the baby was being stressed so they decided to do an emergency C-section. My doctor's words were, "your uterus is a very hostile environment right now. I feel as if we don't deliver the baby within the next hour you both are going to die." Baby Cole was born on Oct. 3, 2002 at 10:43pm. My husband got to see him before I was out of recovery. The doctors brought me a polaroid picture of my baby hooked up to many tubes and wires. He weighed 15 ounces and was 19 inches long.
I could barely look at it. I was in a lot of pain and shock that this was happening. The next day I finally got to see Cole in the NICU at 2:00pm. I was angry that I couldnt see him sooner but I was still at risk of going into seizures so they didnt want me up. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Tears streamed down my face when I saw him. My visit with him was short that afternoon because I was very sick and couldnt sit up without feeling like I would pass out. Periodically my husband would go in and check on him to see how he was doing. "Hanging on," he would tell me when he got back. The doctors didnt sugar coat the outcome of this early delivery. They were honest the entire time, telling us that he may not make it through the weekend. Late that evening one of the neonatologists came into our room and gave us some horrible news. He said that if we wanted to hold him before he passed away we better do it now because they didnt think he was going to make it through the night. We got to hold him for about a half hour. It wasnt long enough! If I hadn't had been so sick and out of it from the morphine and magnesium I.V. I would have stayed the night in the NICU with him. Cole did pass away early the next morning. He died on Oct. 5th, 2002 at 5:55 am. The pain that I have been through since then has been horrible. All of our hopes and dreams for him were shattered. I don't feel like I had enough time with him. The 2 short moments I had to visit with him were so brief and now that he is gone I regret not being stronger and spending more time with him. I'm angry at myself for not being with him every moment that he was alive. I should have never left his side. Never in a million years would I have thought I would go through something like this. It is so painful and just when I think that I'm gonna be okay and go on with my life I will see something to upset me, or hear of someone having a baby. I know that the pain that I have will eventually lessen over time. But it has been 2 months now and I'm tired of crying and tired of being in pain over losing him. People have been telling me that I'm young and I will have the opportunity to have more children, which is hopefully true but I wanted this baby. I wanted Cole Dawson. I'm not the type to lean on others when I'm upset. I usually lend my shoulder to everyone else. My problem is I don't want to bother everyone with my grieving. Not even my husband. He seems to be getting through this better than I am and I don't want to ruin his good days. I have a lot of faith in the Lord above that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Even with my belief in Him and my belief that there is a reason for everything, even this too; I am still having a very hard time moving forward. To whomever is reading this: I want to say thank you for listening...
I will always be Cole'sMOMMY!
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