 |
 |
|
|
|
Beautiful Grayce Emylee
Nov 14, 2002
My loss happened Monday morning and the pain is so horrible. I just want to write my story and maybe find a tiny relief from it. My pregnancy was rough. I was on limited activity until 17 weeks and then strict bedrest for bleeding throughout the rest of the time. The Dr.'s were unable to find out why until just recently when they discovered a polyp on my cervix that I was to have checked out Nov. 11th. I had at least 6 u/s and even one done by a specialist and the only other thought was an abruption that was too slight to be seen by the machine. Monday morning I woke up to some mild contractions and the same amount of blood as usual so I wasn't too worried since things had been so much worse a week earlier....but within 30 minutes I had the most painful contractions I had ever experienced. We called 911 and I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 and had my beautiful 22 week old daughter was born at 6:05. They wisked her away to a warmed bed and the neonatal Dr. was with her as was my husband. He said she struggled to breathe but her lungs were just not ready. They brought her back to me and I held her until her heart stopped beating an hour later. I wanted to die with her...I still do, the pain is so horrible. Later my Dr. told me that my placenta had detached 50% and there was nothing we could have done. I was already on bedrest so nothing would have changed things. I keep thinking there had to have been some way to stop this...if only...if only....I miss her so desperately and my arms ache to hold her again. My beautiful Grayce Emylee weighed 15 oz and was 10 inches long...she was perfectly formed except for a tiny cleft in her lip which made her all the more beautiful to me. It's Thursday and Monday seems like it was a lifetime ago and that I will soon wake up and feel her kicking inside me again. Yesterday we had to make all of the "funeral/memorial" arrangements. We had to go to the cemetery and funeral home and florist and look for a monument. We went through the day as if it were an out of body experience. Why!!! We found a beautiful cemetery that has a Babyland........I'm so thankful for the hour I had with her and that I will have a place to go and visit her. Her memorial service is on Saturday with just our immediate families....both of our moms were able to hold her and our dads and siblings saw and touched her too. One of the most difficult struggles I am having right now is we have 2 4 year olds that we have adopted from other countries. They know what happened but they keep saying things that hurt so bad. I find that I don't even want to be there mommy right now....I want Grayce back first. I have nothing left to give them....and then the guilt sets in. We waited 7 years to conceive and believed it was a miracle when it happened and now all we have left is a one hour memory and a lifetime of pain. Will the hurt ever stop...
Tamee
Grayce Emylee - 22 weeks -lived one hour
|
|
|
|
