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Our Unique and Beautiful Butterfly
Sep 16, 2002
Raelyn Marie Pappillion born April 11, 2001, one month after my 23rd birthday. She died before her first breath and left me to feel as if my life died with her. She was such an easy pregnancy, I heard her heart beat at six weeks and saw her for the first time when I was 2-1/2 months pregnant, when we found out she was a girl at 3 months her daddy asked the doctor if His thing was just floating, he couldn't believe he was finally recieving the little girl he had asked God for, I felt her move at four months and I started playing music for her to listen to she even kicked to certain beats in the music that was played repeatedly for her,we called her our little dancer, at six months she kicked so much that only a warm shower would calm her down and her daddy and I finally gave her her name which means "Unique & Beautiful Butterfly" which she was. Her daddy and I listened to her heart beat for the last time on April 9th, it was so strong and so beautiful that we both laughed and cried and couldn't believe we would see her soon. Two days later she was gone. In my heart, before the last ultrasound, before the doctor telling us she was gone, I knew, God had taken our baby home. My labor lasted 4 hours. I had to see her, hold her, her daddy was the one to deliver her. He saw her umbilical cord around her neck and asked God to make sure she was with him, to make sure she was to be our little angel, to keep us strong. 3 pounds 0 ounces,she had her father's dark hair, already an inch long, my big feet, her daddy's head, and my button nose she was beautiful, a perfect angel. Her auntie, grandmother, great-grandmother, and great-uncle, were there when she came and they, as me and her daddy do, hold her in our hearts each and every day, she was the angel who brought us all together, the one who made us all feel like a family again. We, her daddy and I, struggle each day to put our lives back together, knowing we can only love her from afar, no hugs or kisses, but forever with us knowing she is watching us knowing how much we love her, and that she will forever be in our hearts. This is the first time I've really been able to speak anything of her, I could go on forever, she is my firstborn, and she is my heart, I feel sometimes like it was my fault, constantly thinking "If, only..." But I also know that everything happens for a reason and if it wasn't for my husband who made sure I got up, got dressed, ate something every now and then, and making sure to watch at my lowest time, that my try of ending this life that was given to me, didn't succeed, I never would have made it past the grief to know that Raelyn is in good hands and that she is loved, so loved, and to know that she will come back to us in little ways with each brother or sister she may have, a smile here, a laugh there, she will always be a part of us, and one day when God calls her daddy and I home we will be with her again.
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