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My Butterfly Flew Away
Sep 16, 2002
Here I sit trying to make sense of my ectopic pregnancy. On Saturday the 7th September I was diagnosed as having an ectopic pregnancy and had an emergency operation. It was really traumatic for us. I was bleeding internally as my fallopian tube had burst and I was in so much pain. Just 6 months ago I had a miscarriage and we were delighted to be pregnant again. But at the same time apprehensive. We couldn't quite beleive the preganancy was true, so we held onto it like some fragile butterfly that may fly away. And that is what it did. I was holding so gently and yet it was far worse than my last experience. Not only did I lose the hope of the dream of our baby I lost my tube and part of my fertility. I feel empty, lost and so desperately sad. Sad for hope lost and sad that they just took my baby and got rid of it. I feel without hope. I am too tired to keep talking to those who want to know I am ok, and I feel unable to inspire hope in my husband who is struggling too. I am weary and frightenend to even think about my hope of fertility. We have named the children we have lost. Even though they were little ones, we decided on names last night. Slightly eccentric names, as they are not of this world. Gabriel who was destined to be an angel 21 March, and Savannah, 7 Sept. For me, her name describes how we feel, in a desert in search of an oasis.
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