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Baby Mahoganae
Dec 30, 2002
I WILL JUST CALL MYSELF NICOLE WELL I AM 23 YEARS OLD AND MY BABY WAS STILLBORN I KNEW THAT WAS PREGNANT BEFROE MY DOCTOR TOLD ME BUT I WAS SCARED BECAUSE I WAS JUNIOR IN COLLEGE AND I WAS NOT MARRIED TO HER FATHER AND I KNEW I WAS GOING TO HEAR THE BLUES FROM MY FAMILY THEY TRIED BUT I NEVER LET NO ONE STRESS ME OUT THROUGH THE PREGANCY I GAINED 55 POUNDS THREW IT ADN EVERY TIME I WENT TO THE DOCTOR EVERYTHING WAS FINE THAT IS WHAT MY DOCTOR SAID WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS A GIRL I DECIDED ON THE NAME MAHOGANAE BECAUSE I ALWAYS LIKED THAT NAME I WAS SCARED I BECOMING A MOTHER BUT I TOOK IN STRIVE HECK I WAS A BABY MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS MY PARENTS YOUNGEST CHILD SO I PARTICALLY GOT EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED EVEN THOUGH I DID NOT PLAN TO HAVE A BABY AT THAT TIME I DEALT WITH IT I READ THE BIBLE AND CARTOON STORIES TO HER SHE EVENTUALLY BECAME MY BEST FRIEND I EVEN STARTED A JOURNAL FOR HER ABOUT MY LIFE AND HOW ME AND FATHER MET I ATE RIGHT EVERYBODY SAID I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT - BUT TO ME AT TIMES I DID NOT BECAUSE MY IS NOT HERE WITH ME TODAY, AND MY BABY WAS EVEN LATE SO THEY HAD TO MAKE HER COME EVERYTHING WAS FINE I WAS IN THE PROCESS OF PUSHING HER OUT WHEN MY NURSE COULD NOT FIND A HER HEART BEAT THEN OTHER NURSES CAME IN AND THEY TRIED TO FIND A HEART BEAT FOR 6 MINUTES BEFORE THEY CUT ME AND IT WAS OVER AFTER THAT MY BABY WAS GONE SHE WAS BORN ON OCTOBER THE 30TH OF 2002 THIS YEAR SHE WAS 7 POUNDS 12 OUNCES PEFECTLY HEALTHY I EVENTUALLY FOUND OUT THAT THE UMBILLICAL CORD WAS WRAP AROUND HER NECK AND STUCK IN BETWEEN MY PELVIS IT STOP CIRCULATION BUT MY BABY DID NOT SHOW NO SIGNS OF STRESS- I WISHED THAT SHE WOULD HAVE BECAUSE I MISS HER SO MUCH AT FIRST I DID NOT WANT TO HOLD MY BABY BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT ALIVE BUT HER FATHER GAVE ME STRENGTH AND WHEN I HELD MY BABY SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS JUST ASLEEP AND SHE WAS THE MOST BEAUITFUL BABY I EVER SEEN AND SHE WAS VERY HEAVY BUT SHE WAS MY BABY WE TOOK PICTURES OF HER AND WE HAD A BURIAL FOR HER ALL HER NURSES WERE SO SUPPORTIVE AND EMOTIONAL FOR MY BABY ADN THEY EVEN SHOWED UP TO HER BURIAL BY THE GRACE OF GOD HE HAS GIVEN ME SO MUCH SUPPORT FROM OTHERS AND HER FATHER AND GRANDMOTHER BUT STILL AT THE END OF THE MONTH MY CRIES FOR HER BECAUSE I MISS HER SO MUCH FOR 9 MONTHS I FORGOT ME AND DID ONLY FOR HER AND THAT WAS MY PLAN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE NOW I DO NOT KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE MY BABY SO MUCH AND I WANTED TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH HER BUT EVERY DAY I ASK GOD FOR STRENGTH, PEACE, AND COMFORT BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN AND HE HAS BUT I STILL MORN FOR MY BABY I GUESS IT IS NATURAL BUT I WOULD DIED FOR HER INSTEAD SO SHE COULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE AT LIFE AND AT FIRST I WAS MAD AT GOD FOR TAKING MY BABY BECAUSE I WENT ALL THE WAY WITH HER AND HE DID THAT TO ME I DID NOT THINK THAT I WAS BAD PERSON SO WHY ME WHEN HE KNOWS HOW MUCH THAT I LOVE ALL CHILDREN BUT THEN I FINALLY REACH THE CONCLUSION THAT HE LOVED MY BABY MORE THAN I DID AND HE WANTED HER BUT IN RETURN HE STILL GIVE ME ANOTHRER CHANCE TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY ONE DAY AND HE STILL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO DO HIS WILL AND TO HELP OTHERS WITH THERE PROBLEMS SO NOW I AM NOT MAD AT HIM BUT I DO MISS MY BABY AND STILL LONG TO HOLD HER AND TO RAISE HER BUT ONE DAY HOPEFULLY I WILL IF I JUST LIVE MY LIFE RIGHT I HAVE EVEN HAD DREAMS ABOUT MY BABY JUST LOOKING AT ME BECAUSE I NEVER SEEN HER LOOK AT ME BUT I TOLD GOD THAT I DID NOT WANT TO DREAM ABOUT HER BECAUSE IT HURT SO BAD AND HE TOOK THOSE DREAMS AWAY I GOT A BEANIE BABY THE MONTH THAT SHE WAS BORN AND I PUT IT IN MY CAR AND I ALSO HAVE OTHER OBJECTS OF HERS SO THAT NO MATTER WHERE I GO SHE IS ALWAYS WITH ME SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO BE SCARED TO TALK ABOUT MY BABY TO ME BUT I AM NOT SCARED NOR ASHAME TO TALK ABOUT MY BABY MAHOGANAE BECAUSE SHE WAS APART OF ME AND I AM NOT ASHAME OF THE PERSON THAT I AM I BELIVED THAT THINGS HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES FOR A REASON AND ONE DAY MAYBE I WILL FOUND OUT WHAT THE REAL REASON GOD TOOK MY BABY FROM ME BUT I AM GOING TO MAKE EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES I WANT TO GIVE UP BUT I DO NOT BECAUSE I BELIEVE I HAVE A REASON TO BE HERE STILL TODAY
THANK-YOU
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