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Jacob--My Life, My Teacher, My Angel (continued)
May 02, 2002
Continued story
Jacob went through physical therapy he would cry it hurt so bad his body was so sensitive from his treatments. We got the news that Jacob could not do anymore chemo but his last spinal tap was clear so it was good. They gave him 3 week break while the doctors evaluated what would be the course of treatment. February 27th we went in for a spinal tap which the doctors had faith was clear meanwhile both my husband and I knew that was not the case. Jake had been complaining of head and belly aches. Well it was not clear and 14 days later he was gone. The last 2 weeks of his life he ate chocolate and drank pepsi. Anyone he asked for where here no matter what time of day and he got to spend time with all of his family. He loved life and he had the most beutiful twinkling eyes anyone could ever see Jacob had gone from a heathy 36 pound 3 year old to a 20 pound child who could not even sit on his bottom without padding because he had no meat on him at all in 7 months.
I miss him so. I still feel like he is going to run in my room in the morning and say mama the sun is up get up. The tricks your mind play on you. I have never felt so empty in my life. I lived for Jacob and had such a special bond with him. I have an 18 month old daughter and it is so hard to bond with her because of the fear that she to will be taken away. I am so thankful that I have her because I have to get up every day and function so she is able to function. I am thankful that I am capable of doing this. Jacob told me that I have to hold Kylie like I hold him. I never got that till after he passed. What a wise old soul he was. He always told me when he was sick you have to take care of Kylie, where is Kylie she needs you. He knew he would be leaving me. Jacob talked to someone named Andrew in his last two weeks. When I asked him who Andrew was he said it was his hospital buddy. Was that his angel. I miss him. The hardest thing is not being able to touch him or rub his head or back which comforted him so. I miss his voice, I miss hearing mama. He would always say Oh yeah baby when he was happy I miss that. I miss digging worms with him and fishing with him. I miss making him breakfast, I miss putting him in timeout and him saying sorry mom after he was done. He was so sweet and sensitive. When we were laying up in bed one night in those last 2 weeks he said mom I worry about you. What three year old has those concerns. I am angry that my angel was chosen to leave. It was a tease to have him here for only 3 years. I wouldn't change one minute. I would like to hear from other mothers that have other children and how hard it is to watch them grown and do the things that you know your child would never do. How can you not resent and feel angry that this happened to such a perfect angel. How do I move on. I love you Jakey you are my buz
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