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My Dearest Casey
Jan 24, 2003
My Dearest Casey,
I am so lost and alone without you. I miss you sooooo very much. I miss what the future won’t bring for me. Yeah, sure I’m being selfish. But who’s the one left here?!!!! You’re off surfing the magnificent oceans in heaven and I’m left here with memories of your half-lived life. Where is the girlfriend you were going to marry? I missed the wedding. Where are the grandchildren you were going to be such a loving father to? I missed their miraculous births. The birthday parties, anniversaries, dance recitals, ball games, concerts, babysitting, travels, confirmations, graduations. Where are they? I’ve missed them already. Where are the relationships? I was going to spoil your kids rotten, as grandparents are entitled to do. Were they going to have the strawberry blond hair you did and roll everywhere instead of crawl before they walked? Were they going to sleep so soundly as babies that you wouldn’t even notice they were there? Or were they going to utter their first word at 2 and then speak in complete sentences as you? Were they going to play with the neighbor girl, she being you’re first real friend? Were they going to race their Hotwheels around the block until the plastic tires were worn flat? Or were they going to help rake the leaves but leave the rakes in the yard, too distracted because they wanted to instead climb a tree? Were they always so happy as you were, so easy and mellow, hardly losing your temper unless it was really important to you? Were their voices so very low, raspy like yours at 5? Did they wear florescent colors, so I could tell were they were.
Would they have been obedient, kind and considerate, as you? Would you have ever told them that that I mistakenly took a carton of soda out to the car on the shopping cart without ever paying for it, but you reminded me? Would they have written essays about how you taught them what love is, as you did about me? Would they have cared about others enough to become involved, to mentor, like you? Would they have been adventurous like you, willing to take risks? Would they have valued friendships, to make a bundle of them who truly meant the world to them, as you did? Would they have made plans for their life at 13, like you did, and carry them out at 18? Would they have the courage to live their dream, drive across the country at 18 without knowing a soul, and then leave the country with the new friends he made, like you? Would they have left a mark on the world to most everyone they met, as you did? Would they have truly lived life to enjoy it, to help others enjoy it, to be kind and honest, to seek the truth in everything, and to hide nothing, as you?
So you see, that’s what I’m going to miss about you. The things about who you are, what you were to become, and those that were yet to be. Understandably, it’s created a huge hole in my being which I am so struggling to overcome, which I realize is impossible. Life is a struggle in itself without losing someone as precious as you. But please, I am trying. The best that I can. But as you can imagine, it’s very difficult. You were my joy, my light, my proudness in this world. I am going to try very hard because I know that is what you want for me. We will see each other again. For you it is moments, but for me, it’s eternity.
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