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Hi, Daddy!
Nov 22, 2002
Hi Daddy,
I guess you can see me sitting here from heaven. I hope you can anyway. I guess you wouldn't want me to cry still to this very day. You always wanted me to be happy. I wish I had just 1 more sentence I could say to you. Just one more minute. I love you.
There is so much I wish I had said, and so many things I wish i had shared with you. I wish I had shared your pain and made life easier for you. I just didn't understand. It has made me a better person though, in your memory.
There are so many questions I have about those last weeks. Did you know you were dying? Did you have hope that you wouldn't? Why didn't you tell me and make it clear. You told me what the doctor said but I didn't understand. You made it light. When I look back i see so many hints but I didn't get them, maybe I blocked it out. I guess I just thought you were invincible.
Were you scared? Did you feel alone? Did you know how much I love you? Did you grieve at being alone, thinking no one cared? Were you trying to spare me? What were you thinking about that last day? The last minutes? I try not to think about it to much.
The weirdest thing is when I have a dream about you. Not often but sometimes I dream that you are calling me and are not really dead. After you died, I dreamed that you called me from another city and had just wandered off and were lost and confused and I was desperate to come and get you. Even though it was a scary dream, I felt like you were alive for those few minutes and you being gone was the real scary dream. I lost the funeral pictures. We had to sell the house, didn't get much from it which makes me sad because I know how much it meant to you and how you wanted it for us. There was no insurance, something about not filling out the right papers. But that is ok, cause we are doing fine now. I would trade everything I have and everything I will be for just one more minute with you.
Well Daddy, I am almost done with college now. I don't know what the future holds. Sometimes I just wanna pick up the phone and discuss the 'latest' with you, like we used to do.
Thank you for everything you have given me and especially for my love of learning and reading. You told me to always take the highroad, and I try.
Thanks for your unconditional love, even when I didn't appreciate it.
Thanks for being my friend. I miss you.
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