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I Don't Know How to Go On
Sep 26, 2002
PATRICK FRANK RADER. BORN JUNE 11TH 1977. DIED JULY 5TH 2002. PATRICK WAS BORN 7 AND A HALF WEEKS EARLY. HE WAS 4 AND A HALF POUNDS AND WAS 18 INCHS LONG. HE WAS BORN WITH HIS WIND PIPE AND HIS FOOD PIPE JOINED TOGETHER. IF HE WAS FED ANYTHING HE WOULD OF DROWNED.SO AT 10 HOURS OLD HE WAS TAKEN TO CHILDRENS HOSPITAL IN DALLAS AND WENT THROUGH A HIGH RISK SURGERY. THE DOCTORS GAVE HIM A 50 50 CHANCE. HE PULLED THOUGH WITH FLYING COLORS. HE REMAINED IN ICU FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. HE WAS A VERY SICK BABY THE FIRST 2 YEARS. HE CAUGHT EVERYTHING THAT WENT AROUND. BUT HE OUT GREW THAT AND BECAME A BEAUTIFUL TODDLER. HE WAS AN EASY CHILD TO RAISE. ALL I HAD TO DO WAS SAY HIS NAME AND GIVE HIM THAT "MOM" LOOK AND HE WOULD STOP WHAT EVER HE WAS GETTING IN TROUBLE FOR. HE WENT TO CHURCH WITH HIS GRANDPARENTS RADER'S AND ONE CHRISTMAS HE WAS ABOUT 4 YEARS OLD, THEY WERE HAVING A CHRISTMAS PROGRAM AT THE CHURCH AND PATRICK HAD TO DRESS AS AN ANGEL.I MADE THE COSTUME AND HE LOOKED SO ANGELIC WITH HIS WHITE BLONDE HAIR AND HIS HALO. AFTER THE SONG THEY SANG HE RAISED HIS HAND AND SAID" I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM". THE CHURCH ALL LAUGHED . SO INACENT AT THAT AGE. I HAD DEVORCED HIS FATHER WHEN PATRICK WAS 6 MONTHS OLD. AND RAISED HIM ALONE UNTILL I REMARRIED WHEN PATRICK WAS SIX.MY PARENTS WERE A BIG PART OF PATRICK'S LIFE. HE LOVED HIS NANA AND GRANDPA. HE WAS ALSO CLOSE TO HIS FATHERS PARENTS. MAMA AND PAPA RADER.HE WAS THE FIRST GRANDCHILD ON BOTH SIDES SO OF COUSE THEY ALL SPOILED HIM WITH LOTS OF LOVE. HIS FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC AND HE TRIED IN HIS OWN WAY TO SEE PATRICK WHEN HE WAS ABLE. WHEN PATRICK WAS 12 YEARS OLD WE GOT A CALL THAT HIS FATHER HAD DIED. PATRICK WAS DEVASTATED. THEN WITH IN THE NEXT 14 MONTHS HIS MAMA AND PAPA BOTH DIED. HE WAS SO YOUNG TO HAVE ALL THESE PEOPLE DIE THAT HE LOVED SO MUCH. PATRICK DID NOT LIKE SCHOOL. HE STRUGGLED WITH IT. HATED HOME WORK. HE WAS A SMART KID BUT WOULD NOT TRY. HE GOT INVOLVED WITH THEATER IN HIS 10TH YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. HE GOT THE LEAD IN HIS FIRST EVER PLAY. AND HE WAS REALLY GOOD. BUT AGAIN HE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT THE NEXT YEAR. HE REALLY ENJOYED HIS MUSIC. HAD IT PLAYING ALL THE TIME. HE WOULD READ ALOT. ALWAYS HAD. I WOULD READ TO HIM EVERY NIGHT WHEN HE WAS LITTLE. HE STUDIED ALL RELEGIONS. IF YOU ASKED HIM A QUESTION ABOUT ANY ONE OF THEM HE WOULD GO INTO GREAT DETAIL ABOUT THE SUBJECT. HE HAD A WONDERFULL MEMORY. WHEN HE BECAME A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL HE STARTED DOING DRUGS. BY THE END OF THE YEAR I COULD NOT TAKE THE DRUGS ANY MORE. MY MOTHER AT THAT TIME WAS REAL ILL, AND I WAS GOING THROUGH A NASTY DIVORCE. SO I MOVED TO MISSOURI, I HAD TO GET AWAY. I WOULD GET CALLS THE NEXT TWO YEARS OF PATRICK AND HIS DRUGS AND WHAT THEY WERE DOING TO HIM. HE HAD A SMALL HEART ATTACK AND A FEW MONTHS LATER HE CALLED ME FROM THE HOSPITAL AND SAID HE HAD O.D. AND ARRIVED AT THE HOSPITAL DOA.THAT WAS IT. I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS NO LONGER HIS MOTHER UNTILL HE GOT SOME HELP. HE HAD GOTTEN ADDICTED TO HEROIN. THE NEXT FEW MONTHS HE GOT HELP AND BECAME CLEAN. I HAD MY LOVING SON BACK AFTER 3YRS OF HELL. THAT SUMMER MY MOTHER DIED AND PATRICK WAS AGAING DEVASTATED. HIS NANA WAS HIS FAVORITE. THE NEXT YEAR HE MET HIS TRUE LOVE. EMMA. AND THEY WERE MARRIED A YEAR LATER. HE WAS SO HAPPY AND SO WAS I. THEN THE DRUGS STARTED AGAIN. HE WAS GOING TO A PAIN CLINIC FOR HEADACHES. THE DOCTOR GAVE HIM OXYCOTTON. A HIGHLY ADDICTIVE DRUG. AS THE YEAR WENT ON HE HAD TO HAVE MORE UNTILL I WENT THERE THIS PAST CHRISTMAS AND SAW WHAT HE WAS LIKE. HE THOUGHT IT WAS OK SINCE THEY WERE LEGAL DRUGS BUT HE WAS LIKE A ZOBBIE. WHEN I GOT HOME I CALLED HIS DOCTOR AND TOLD HIM THAT PATRICK WAS A DRUG ADDICT AND WHAT HE WAS GIVING PATRICK HW WAS SHOTTING UP. OF CORSE THE DOCTOR CUT HIM OFF. PATRICK HAD TO GO INTO THE HOSPITAL APRIL TO HAVE HIS SPLEAN TAKEN OUT AND HE WAS SO ADDICTED TO THIS DRUG OYCOTTON THAT NOTHING WOULD DULL THE PAIN HE WAS GOING THROUGH. AFTER HE WAS RELEASED FROM THE HOSPITAL HE WOULD GO BACK TO THE EMERGANCY ROOM AT LEAST EVERY OTHER DAY FOR THE NEXT MONTH. JUST TO GET A FIX. HE HAD LOST HIS JOB AND HIS WIFE WAS READY TO LEAVE HIM. I HAD CRIED ALMOST EVERY DAY SINCE CHRISTMAS THINKING I WAS GOING TO GET A CALL THAT PATRICK HAD OD AND WAS DEAD. THE FEAR WAS GREAT. HE FINALLY CALLED ME AND TOLD ME WAS ADMITTING HIMSELF INTO A REHAB CENTER. I WAS SO HAPPY TO HEAR THOSE WORDS. AND HE DID. ON JUNE 15TH HE CALLED ME AFTER HE HAD GOTTEN OUT. AND HE SOUNDED SO GOOOOOOOOOOOD. IT WAS LIKE TALKING TO THE OLD PATRICK. I STOPPED CRYING AND EMMA CALLED ME TO THANK ME FOR ALL THE SUPPORT WHILE PATRICK WAS BAD AND GETTING WELL. I TALKED TO HIM JUNE THE 30TH ON A SUNDAY AND HE HAD TOLD ME HE HAD BEEN ON SOME JOB INTERVIEWS AND THINGS WERE FINALLY LOOKING UP FOR HIM. I TOLD HIM HOW PROUD I WAS OF HIM. WE ENDED THE CONVERSATION WITH "I LOVE YOU PATRICK AND HE SAID " I LOVE YOU MOM". THEN ON JULY 4TH I GOT THE CALL. I HAD BEEN AT THE GROCERY STORE AND STEVE TOLD ME MY SISTER HAD CALLED AND PATRICK HAD BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT. I CALLED HER BACK AND SHE WAS CRYING. ALL I REMEMBER WAS SHE SAID HE WAS REAL BAD AND HAD NO BRAIN ACTIVITY. THE LAST PART WAS PUT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND. I HAD TO GET TO DALLAS. THERE WERE NO PLANES GOING OUT THAT NIGHT SO STEVE AND I DROVE THOSE NINE HOURS. I CRIED MOST OF THE WAY. I COULD SEE IN MY MIND HIM BEING HIT. WE ARRIVED AT 2 AM AND MY SISTER AND BROTHER WERE WAITING ON US. WE WENT STRAIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL. HE WAS IN THE TRAMA DEPTMENT. WHEN I WENT IN I REALLY DEEP DOWN INSIDE KNEW HE WAS GONE. THEY HAD EXPLAINED TO ME THAT PATRICK HAD 3 CRACKS IN HIS FOREHEAD HAD SMASHED HIS RIGHT EYS SOCKET HIS NOSE WAS SO CRUSHED THAT THEY DIDN'T THINK THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO FIX IT COMPLETLY. HIS COLLAR BONE WAS BROKEN AND SO WAS HIS RIGHT ARM. HE HAD INTERNAL BLEEDING AND THEY HAD HIM IN SURGERY FOR MORE THAN 5 HOURS. THEY HAD LEFT HIS STOMACH OPEN SO IT COULD DRAIN. SO HIS STOMACH WAS REALLY ENLARGED. HIS EYES WERE SWOLLEN AND PURPLE. HIS HAD A LONG GASH OVER HIS RIGHT EYE. HE HAD A SPLINT AROUND HIS HECK AND LIFE SUPPORT DOWN HIS THROUT. HE WAS LYING THERE. MY ONLY CHILD. 5FT 4 INCHS WEIGHING 108 POUNDS,SO TINY IN THAT BED. I TALKED TO HIM BUT NO MOVEMENT. HE WAS IN ACOMMA. I WAS IN AND OUT ALL NIGHT LONG. HOPING FOR SOME SORT OF SIGN. THE NEXT MORNING THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND SAID THEY WERE GOING TO DO A TEST TO SEE IF PATRICK WAS GETTING ANY BLOOD TO THE BRAIN. AT 10:30AM SHE CAME BACK IN AND SAID THERE HAD BEEN NO BLOOD TO THE BRAIN SINCE THE ACCIDENT AND THAT HE WAS BRAIN DEAD. OH THAT SINKING FEELING. SHE TOLD US THAT WHEN WE WERE READY THEY WOULD TAKE THE LIFE SUPPORT OFF OF HIM. EVERYONE WAS IN SHOCK AND REALLY UPSET. HOW COULD MY ONLY SON AND CHILD BE DEAD.THE NEXT COUPLE OF HOURS WE HAD TO DESIDE ON ORGAN DONATION. BUT SINCE IT HAD BEEN 6 WEEKS SINCE HE HAD DONE HIS DRUGS AND HE WAS AN IV DRUG USER THEY COULD NOT USE HIS ORGANS. SO AROUND 2PM WE WENT INTO HIS ROOM. I HELD HIS RIGHT HAND, HIS WIFE EMMA HELD HIS LEFT HAND, MY SISTER HELD ONTO HIS RIGHT FOOT AND HIS AUNT JANE HELD ONTO HIS LEFT FOOT. STEVE AND MY SISTERS HUSBAND WAS STANDING BEHIND US. THEY TURNED OFF THE LIFE SUPPORT. I RUBBED HIS HAND LIKE I DID WHEN HE WAS LITTLE TO GET HIM TO SLEEP. I DIDN'T TAKE LONG BEFORE HE HAD NO VITTLE SIGNS. HE WAS GONE.THE DOCTORS AND NURSES AT BAYLOR HOSPITAL WERE SO NICE. IT WAS THE SAME HOSPITAL THAT PATRICK WAS BORN IN 25 YEARS EARLIER. THE NEXT TWO DAYS WERE HELL. HOW WAS I SUPPOSE TO PLAN MY SONS FUNERAL. HIS WIFE WAS SO UPSET THAT I HAD TO BE STRONG FOR HER AND MY SISTER. EVERY ONE WAS TORN IN TWO. WE HAD TO FIND MOST OF MY FAMILY. ALOT OF THEM WERE OUT OF TOWN FOR THE 4TH OF JULY. EMMA WAS DRINKING ALOT AND MAKING THE SITUATION WORSE. MONDAY WE WENT TO THE FUNERAL HOME AND MADE THE ARRANGMENTS. THE SONGS THAT WE DECIDE ON WERE "WHEN I NEED YOU" BY LEO SAYERS. THIS WAS A SONG THAT I USED TO SING TO PATRICK WHEN HE WAS FIRST BORN AND UNTILL HE WAS JUST A LITTLE BOY. AND "FREE BIRD". A FRIEND OF PATRICK'S SANG IT AT THE FUNERAL. WHEN MY SONG PLAYED IT WENT TO THE CORE OF MY SOUL. THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE AT THE FUNERAL. I HAD NO IDEA HOW MANY PEOPLE'S LIFES PATRICK HAD TOUCHED. HE HAD A GREAT SMILE AND A WITTY SENSE OF HUMOR. SINSE EMMA WAS FROM ENGLAND AND SHE WAS NOT A LEAGAL RESIDENCE YET SHE HAD TO GO BACK TO ENGLAND. SHE HAD A DAUGHTER TOO. PERRIE WAS 8 YEARS OLD. SHE WAS NOT PATRICKS CHILD. PATRICK HAD RUN OUT OF GAS ON 635 AND OATS DRIVE IN MESQUITE TEXAS. HE RAN ACROSS THE 8 LANES OF TRAFFIC AND WAS HIT BY AN 18 WHEELER. I FEEL DEEP DOWN INSIDE HE DIED RIGHT THEN. SO THE NEXT 2 DAYS WE WERE GOING THROUGH PATRICKS HOUSE AND HAVING A YARD SALE THAT WEEKEND. NOT EVEN 4 DAYS AFTER HIS FUNERAL. EMMA WAS HAVING TO GO BACK TO ENGLAND AS SOON AS SHE COULD AND WE WERE TRYING TO GET TOGETHER ENOUGH MONEY TO SEND HER BACK AND HAVE SOME MONEY IN HER POCKET. PATRICK DID NOT HAVE ANY LIFE INSURANCE AND I HAD EMPTYED MY SAVINGS ACCT TO PAY FOR THE FUNERAL. IT SEEMED LIKE EVERY THING WENT SO FAST I WASN'T GETTING ANY TIME TO GRIEVE. I STAYED ANOTHER WEEK. I NEEDE TO GET BACK HOME SO I COULD HAVE SOME TIME TO MYSELF AND LET EVERYTHING SINK IN. STEVE HAD GONE BACK HOME THE DAY AFTER THE FUNERAL SO I HAD TO DRIVE THAT 9 HOURS BY MY SELF. MY VAN WAS PACKED FULL HALF WITH SOME OF PATRICKS THINGS AND HALF WITH PLANTS FROM THE FUNERAL. I CRIED AND CRIED ALL THE WAY HOME. WHEN I GOT BACK OUR FRIEND KEVIN WAS HERE AND HE JUST HUGGED ME WHILE I SOBBED. THEN STEVE HELD ME WHILE I CRIED SOME MORE. I TOOK ANOTHER WEEK OFF OF WORK AND REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO GO BACK. I WAS LOST. I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING. I DIDN'T COOK. I DIDN'T CLEAN. I COULDN'T MAKE MY SELF TAKE A SHOWER FOR SEVERAL DAYS. WE HAD JUST GOTTEN THIS COMPUTER A FEW DAYS BEFORE PATRICK DIED. SO I LEARNED HOW TO OPERATE IT AND COPYIED A LOT OF PICTURES OF PATRICK THE NEXT FEW DAYS. I WAS OBSESSED IN GETTING AS MANY COPIES OF HIS PICTURES AS I COULD FIND. I HAD TO HAVE A PICTURE OF PATRICK EVERY WHERE. IN MY CAR IN EVERY ROOM OF THE HOUSE. AND I EVEN BOUGHT A LOCKET AND HAVE IT AROUNG MY NECK. I COULDN'T GO OUT. I DIDN'T WANT COMPANY. I JUST WANTED TO BE ON MY COMPUTER AND MAKE PICTURE OF PATRICK. ON LABOR DAY WEEKEND PATRICKS BEST FRIEND FLEW UP HERE TO SEE ME. STEPHANIE. THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME I REALLY GOT OUT. BESIDES GOING TO WORK. AND THE GROCERY STORE. THAT WAS A HARD TASK OF GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE. I WOULD GET IN THERE AND COULD NOT REMEMBER WHAT I NEEDED OF WHICH ISLE IT WAS ON. I STILL HAVE TO GO UP AND DOWN EVERY ISLE AND REALLY CANSENTRATE ON WHAT I NEED AND WHAT THEY HAVE. PATRICK ALWAYS WANTED ME TO GET A TATTOO WITH HIM. AND I WAS ALWAYS CHICKEN TO GET ON. WHEN STEPHANIE WAS HERE WE BOTH GOT ONE. I HAD IT PUT ON MY ANKEL. PATRICK'S TATTOO'S WERE CELTIC. SO I HAD A CELTIC KNOT WITH WINGS AND HIS INTIALS UNDER IT. IT HURT LIKE HELL BUT I HAD TO DO IT. WELL ITS BEEN REEL HARD AT WORK. SINCE I MANAGE A STORE AND DEAL WITH ALOT OF PEOPLE EVERY DAY ITS HARD TO KEEP A SMILE ON MY FACE WHEN I FEEL LIKE MY HEART HAS BEEN RIPPED OUT. I AM NO LONGER A MOTHER, I WILL NEVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN.I FEEL SO EMPTY. I DO NOT FEAR DEATH ANYMORE. I AM READY TO GO ANYTIME. I FEEL LIKE I AM NOBODY NOW.STEVE HAD A FAMILY REUNION THIS PAST WEEKEND AND I COULD NOT MAKE MY SELF GO. I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE EVERYONE THERE WITH THEIR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS. I HATE IT. MY FUTURE WAS THROUGH MY SON AND NOW ITS GONE. I HAVE BEEN SAD, I HAVE BEEN MAD. I HAVE BEEN LOST. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANY MORE. I CAN'T TALK TO MY FRIENDS UP HERE ABOUT PATRICK AND EXCHANGE MEMORIES ABOUT HIM BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T KNOW HIM. STEVE ONLY KNEW HIM WHILE HE WAS ON DRUGS, SO HE HAS NOTHING GOOD TO SAY ABOUT PATRICK. HE DIDN'T KNOW THE REAL PATRICK. I TALK TO STEPHANIE ALMOST EVERY DAY. SHE HAS BEEN A GOD SEND TO ME. SHE KNEW PATRICK SINCE HE WAS 10 YEARS OLD. SHE LIVED NEXT DOOR TO US. THEY WERE LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER. FOUGHT LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER. I HAVEN'T CRIED MUCH THESE PAST 2 WEEKS. I FEEL NUMB INSIDE. I WANT TO REMEMBER EVERY LITTLE DETAIL OF PATRICKS LIFE. AND I CAN'T. I HAVE NEVER HAD A DETAILED MEMORY. JUST LITTLE THINGS I REMEMBER. OH I MISS HIM. I WILL BE GOING TO DALLAS THE 1ST OF NOVEMBER. I ALWAYS STAYED WITH PATRICK WHEN I WAS THERE. NOW HE WON'T BE THERE. WILL IT HIT ME ALL OVER AGAIN? I MISS OUR PHONE CALLS. I HAD A PHONE PUT IN HIS HOUSE AND HAD THE BILL SENT TO MY HOUSE. I ALWAYS WANTED TO MAKE SURE I COULD GET AHOLD OF HIM. I LOVED HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. JUST BECAUSE HE WAS NOT PERFECT I NEVER STOPPED LOVEING HIM FOR ONE MINUTE. HE WAS MY PRIDE AND JOY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GO ON. DAY BY DAY. WEEK BY WEEK. NOW ITS ALL MOST BEEN 3 MONTHS. I MISS HIM.
JEANNETTE
PATRICK'S MOTHER
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