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Telling Others of Your Loss
Written by Clara Hinton | Oct 14, 2001
A miscarriage is devastating news to the couple who has lost the baby. It is extremely difficult to hear those most dreaded words, “I’m sorry. The baby has died.” It is not unusual to live in a fog for a few weeks following the news of a miscarriage until there has been time for the reality and acceptance of the loss to settle in. Losing a baby is painful news to digest!
Grieving child loss is hard work and takes time. Every area of your life is affected by child loss, including your marriage. Because there are such differences in the ways men and women express their grief, for a period of time a husband and wife may pull away from each other to do their own private grieving of the loss of their baby. Eventually, healthy grieving brings the parents back together and they realize that “facing the truth together is not nearly as difficult as facing it alone.” (Silent Grief, page 98)
One very difficult task in grieving a miscarriage is finding the strength to tell others of the loss. When a mother and father are lost in the grief of losing their baby, it is often so painful to talk about the loss that for a period of time neither parent wants to mention the loss. But, one thing still remains – the task of telling others that the pregnancy has ended.
How do you tell friends and family members you have lost a baby when you are still in shock and the loss has not even become real to you? Who tells others that you are no longer pregnant? Who will understand your grief and your hesitancy in wanting to talk about the loss? These are all valid questions that deserve our attention.
There are no rules of etiquette for grief to follow. And, there is no right or wrong time or way to tell others of your loss. It is somewhat easier today to tell the heartbreaking news of the loss because some states are now issuing death certificates for babies who died as a result of a miscarriage. This provides an excellent opportunity to name your baby, and to say to others, “Our baby Rose died on June 11.”
Most parents today, though, do not choose to name their miscarried babies. This concept is still very new, and not widely practiced. Parents usually come to an understood agreement to share the responsibility of telling others the news of their loss. Fathers find it easier to be the ones to give the news at their place of work. Mothers are usually the ones to call the church, family members, and friends and give them the sad news of the miscarriage. By sharing the burden of telling others the news of the loss, you have shared as a couple in the difficult job of beginning your journey of grief together. Remember – you have the final say as to when and how to share this news of your miscarriage.
Try to remember that every time you say the words, “We lost the baby” you grow further along in your ability to accept the loss as being real. Also, every time you repeat the news of your loss, you validate your baby as being real. This will help you tremendously in the difficult journey of grief. As you share in this task of telling others of your baby’s death, you will be drawn closer together as husband and wife, allowing you to move forward in the healing process of your grief.
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